Football Fever

April 2010


The volcano in Iceland continues to blow its top, belching dense columns of fine ash and superfine glass particles several kilometres into the upper atmosphere. Alarmed scientists report that the only thing denser on the planet is the IQ of some of South Africa’s members of parliament. While Iceland’s Eyjafjallajoekull volcano grounds international airlines bringing large parts of Europe to a virtual standstill, South Africa continues with its frantic last minute preparations to host a major international sporting event featuring the beautiful game. The navy has been placed on full alert and prostitutes in Johannesburg, Bloemfontein and Durban are following the fine example of their colleagues in Cape Town and brushing up on their German vocabulary and other foreign languages.

In case anyone was wondering, this is “The Family’s” soccer tournament, not South Africa’s. South Africa is merely the host country, privileged to foot the bill as it were. But what’s a few billion rand between friends and family. And we all know that relationships within families are often fraught with difficulties especially when money is involved but South Africans can at least console themselves with the comforting thought that we are now members of a small elite club within the global football family.

A quick look at all the badges, posters, flags and banners also confirms however that we are just the supporting act in a much greater production. The promotional material refers to the organising body and South Africa is merely mentioned next to the numbers “2010.” And as in any parasitic relationship, for example untreated malaria, when parasites are left undisturbed to live in the human body, be it in the brain, liver or bloodstream, the parasites run roughshod over everything, take over and eventually kill the host. But let’s not get too carried away and become overly pessimistic about our future survival prospects after the tournament, when the winter of our discontent sets in, the visitors have come and gone, the parades have passed, the noise subsides, the Vuvuzela’s are silent, the drums stop beating, the dancing is over, the lights finally go out and the coffers are empty.

Most governments and politicians especially in Africa are not known for their concern about the welfare of their citizens. They are happy to line their own pockets and buy expensive toys rather than focus on meaningful socio-economic upliftment programmes. Spending funds on education, health, housing and job creation to improve the lot of your people sets a dangerous precedent and people complain and are so ungrateful even at the best of times. Treat people too well and your citizens may reach a level of maturity where they start thinking for themselves and eventually they bite the hand that occasionally throws scraps at them from the feeding trough. They become so informed and empowered that they vote you out of power if you fail to deliver, so it’s far better to make idle promises and keep them dispossessed and downtrodden. That’s the African way. So when the mob occasionally gets restless, like the emperor’s in ancient Rome you give them “bread and circuses” to distract them from their daily problems.

But let’s focus on the present for a moment. So, on a lighter note I would like to inform all the sceptics out there that South Africa is most definitely ready to host this particular “circus.” I know this because I have become an unofficial and self-appointed football spotter. I have personally seen several giant soccer balls with their distinctive black and white panels, sliced in half and affixed to the sides of buildings. There’s a giant soccer ball stuck on the side of one of the main parking buildings at O R Tambo International Airport as you approach it from the south. Soccer balls have been stuck onto trains, busses, taxis, on the roof tops of delivery trucks and SUV’s. Pretoria being the nation’s capital has a giant but complete soccer ball wrapped around the Telkom tower. If we ever needed a sign that South Africa is ready to host this major event after spending R63 billion, this has to be it.

The organising body or Football Family as they like to call themselves are very excited that this phenomenon is gathering momentum as it not only creates great excitement, anticipation, goodwill and enthusiasm for the prestigious tournament but also generates extra fees and royalties for them. The choice of the word “family” is an interesting one. What did they have in mind? A traditional family in the old-fashioned, shared-identity, wholesome, meatloaf and picket fence sense of the word or “family” in the other more questionable and decidedly less friendly sense of the word?

In any event, this particular Family is involved in legitimate enterprises, they are masters in the art of persuasion and they have an army of lawyers at their disposal just in case things don’t go their way. The Family is encouraging all South Africans to stick or attach either complete or sliced in half giant soccer balls onto any surface they deem appropriate. The giant balls are available exclusively from the Family’s local offices and made from a special indestructible, weatherproof and rocket resistant type of Kevlar manufactured in a secret facility in Israel disguised as a kibbutz. All you have to do is apply to the Family for the necessary permits, pay the sliding scale licencing fee which varies according to the size of the balls chosen and the significance or prominence of the desired location and finally you have to meet all of the Family’s stringent technical and aesthetic specifications.

Pythagoras said there are three kinds of people who attend the Games. You get the competitors or players, the spectators and finally you get that special breed who come to buy and sell under the stands. The Family have been in the event-business a long time. They are shrewd and wily old foxes who know how to work with other people’s money and turn a quick buck. They are only really interested in the last category of people and therefore understandably focussing all their attentions, vast repertoire of skills and considerable resources on them.

Just ask the unfortunate South African entrepreneur who invested several hundred thousand to manufacture and market metal key rings depicting the SA flag and the letters “2010.” He registered his product in SA and got all the necessary local permits, patents and approvals but he forgot about the Family. In the process all he managed to do was to unnecessarily upset the Family. They feel aggrieved because he was disrespectful and excluded them. After all the trouble they have gone to, to stage such a world class event in our country, the least he could do was let them wet their beaks a little. The Family claim that the key ring initiative is nothing less than a flagrant case of “ambush marketing,” and accordingly is suing the hapless man, costing him hundreds of thousands of rands in legal fees.

Mr Norbert Munchhausen, head of the Family’s technical services department recently contacted senior management at SAA and made them an offer which he believed they could not exactly refuse but which he found out to his surprise they did not really understand. Then Mr Munchhausen became brutally explicit and direct as Europeans are wont to do when they don’t get their way in African countries. He explained the terms of the generous offer. He proposed that the Family would be very pleased if giant soccer balls sliced in half were stuck onto the tail sections of Airbus A340-600’s and Boeing 747-400’s, using the special glue NASA uses to stick heat resistant tiles to the body and fuselage of the space shuttle. Reliable sources confirm that as part of their contingency planning the Family had procured several containers of the special glue directly from the USA and were now not quite sure how to best put it to good use. Selling the glue along with the giant soccer ball idea to SAA was an elegant solution to their problem. The giant soccer ball on Telkom Tower may also be a prime candidate for repairs using the NASA glue. This giant soccer ball was an early prototype before the Kevlar was introduced and is now showing early signs of distress including rust and unsightly cracks in its facade.

After lengthy consultations with SAA senior management, the pilot’s association, SAA technical services and the SAA safety office, Mr. Munchhausen was politely reminded that a Jumbo jet is not a giant Airfix model and that his proposal was not only technically unfeasible but downright idiotic and dangerous. They added that it would destabilize the aircraft and pose a serious safety hazard which would interfere with the aerodynamic design, capabilities and proper handling of the aircraft which could endanger the lives of passengers.

Undeterred by these safety concerns, the intrepid Mr Munchhausen then suggested that a giant soccer ball be affixed to the nose section of the Boeing 747. Again the pilot’s association had to remind him that if this were done, it would block visibility out of the cockpit and the pilots would not be able to fly the aircraft. The paint shop at SAA technical services then came up with a solution. They cleverly pointed out that a far better option would be to spray paint giant soccer balls on the fuselage and tail section of the aircraft. SAA would be happy to oblige if the Family paid for the cost of this very expensive special aircraft paint and the costs involved to re-spray or restore the aircraft to their original colours or livery, once the tournament was over.

In the end, in the face of such withering objections, Mr Munchhausen had to drop his pitch to sell the special space shuttle glue and the idea of the giant soccer balls to SAA. He has subsequently been redeployed. He now works as the Family’s representative in Libya. He is now trying to sell the space shuttle glue to the Libyan Air Force so that they can patch up their ageing Soviet-era MIG fighter jets.

The Family’s co-ordinator of GAF, Giant Artificial Footballs in South Africa, Frau Fifi Schlepperkopf has confirmed that licencing and marketing opportunities are still available to erect and affix giant artificial footballs in several prominent landmark locations all over South Africa but time is running out. Applications to place giant soccer balls on Robben Island and on the top of the Voortrekker Monument have been rejected by the Family due to local sensitivities.

There is an exciting opportunity to install a giant soccer ball on the top of Table Mountain which will be visible from outer space. Objections by the mayor of Cape Town, Mrs Helen Zille have been overruled by the Family. On a smaller but equally impressive scale there’s an opening for a fully lit, giant rotating soccer ball to be erected on the Bluff at the entrance to Durban harbour. In picturesque Hout Bay, two locations are available, one on Klein Leeukoppie above Sol Kerzner’s estate and the other on the Sentinel guarding the entrance to Hout Bay harbour.

In Pretoria, an opportunity exists for a suitably qualified and accredited BEE female franchisee to erect a giant soccer ball on each of the twin domes or cupolas gracing the east and west wings of Sir Herbert Baker’s Union Buildings, to bolster and improve the carnival atmosphere which already exists at the seat of government. Experts say it is a fine balancing act but it can be done without endangering the lives of the occupants because the building already has a high rate of absenteeism.

Costas Ayiotis

Disclaimer: The events and persons depicted in this satirical essay are entirely fictional and bear no relation to any organisation or any persons living or dead.