The Perfect Crew

12 May 2010

Last month I spent fourteen wonderful days onboard the MSC Sinfonia with my family. The Sinfonia is a well-appointed if not luxurious Italian cruise liner that did an admirable job of floating with effortless ease and transporting us safely and in style to several Indian Ocean islands. We covered well over 3700 nautical miles or close to 6800 kilometres with stopovers in Mauritius, Reunion, the east coast of Madagascar and Maputo. It’s a very civilized and sensible way to travel and see the world and I’m hoping that my next cruise will include Mediterranean stopovers in Istanbul, the Greek islands, Dubrovnik, Livorno, Venice, Naples and Malta.

After the cruise and back on terra firma, I had problems adjusting to life ashore in an overcast, wet and chilly Pretoria, the city of butchers, fanatical rugby supporters and Jacaranda’s. All I had to look forward to, was sinking my teeth into the sweet firm flesh of some magnificent end of season Heidi mangoes, truly the king of fruit. I turned on my car radio and Radio Jacaranda FM, the favourite radio station of housewives, barbers, car thieves and nail parlour owners was running a promotion or competition, to as they put it, “lift” the mood for the month of April. The excitable radio jock spoke of “an uplifting” experience for some lucky listener. But the “lift,” the creative geniuses at Radio Jacaranda had in mind had more to do with bags of silicone than mental well-being. They called their promotion the “boobs and bags of cash” competition, a very original and thoughtful sounding strapline. Their marketing spin is that this has never been done on radio before.

At first I thought they were airing a delayed or extended April fool’s joke, but no, I soon realized that the fake boobs offer was for real. All some lucky female or possibly even male listener had to do to stand a chance to win two free size “D” cup, breast implants, was send an SMS with the word “boobs” to a certain number. They were offering a free chest upgrade or boob operation and a bag of boodle, presumably to spend it on buying new bras and a new wardrobe.

This got me thinking for a moment about our obsession with inflated breasts. The British author Martin Amis asked the pertinent question: when women desire fake boobs and men admire them, what are we worshipping? He said all we are really worshipping is two bags of silicone. And he’s right. I shook my head in despair. What next? A free lobotomy perhaps for the head of the marketing department? Cape Town columnist and satirist, Ben Trovato cleverly defines marketing as “the unspeakable attempting to fool the unsuspecting into thinking they need the unnecessary.” When the forces of globalization, branding, marketing and consumerism collide, we get polluted, confused minds and disposable goods that quickly end up on some festering garbage dump.

Seeking escape and relief from the banal mediocrity of the airwaves, I turned off the radio and started day dreaming again. My thoughts turned back to the uncomplicated and blissful life on board the cruise ship. A modern cruise liner is like a mini floating UN, crewed and staffed by nationals recruited from several dozen countries. So I wondered what the ideal crew and staff complement would look like on my ideal cruise ship. I risk offending certain countries with gross generalizations and by reducing what they do on board to exaggerated portrayals of national stereotypes, so I apologize in advance and beg forgiveness for the sins I am about to commit. If you have a sensitive disposition, are very patriotic or you are easily offended, please don’t read any further.

On my ideal cruise ship, the captain and ship’s deck officers would be drawn from the ranks of the Royal Navy. The Royal Navy has a proud and illustrious history going back to Sir Francis Drake and Lord Horatio Nelson. British officers and men in the Royal Navy Reserve are all gentlemen and true seafarers who would know how to fight pirates, the scourge of the seas, who now in our more lenient times have made a comeback. Once upon a time using primitive but highly effective methods, pirates were mercilessly hunted down, rooted out and hanged in metal cages, their rotting corpses and skeletons on display at every harbour. Today with the combined might of several powerful naval fleets at our disposal, the attentions of guided missile cruisers, shipboard helicopters, modern technology, unmanned aerial reconnaissance vehicles and satellites we seem unable to stop them.

An added advantage of ex-Royal Navy officers is that they would focus on the job at hand and be oblivious to the charms of the cruise ship’s showgirls and dancers unlike like the Greeks and Italians who would flirt with them at every opportunity. In keeping with the finest traditions of the Royal Navy, British naval officers are also rather fond of the customs and practices of Ancient Greece. They are used to working, living and playing in small confined and sweaty spaces such as submarines, men’s locker rooms, public lavatories and shower cubicles. I would avoid employing Italians and especially Greeks as officers because they have a habit of rushing to the life boats first and abandoning the ship without telling anyone.

The Germans are not known for their spontaneous outbursts of jollity or their people skills. They would be the ship’s engineers and technicians, kept confined to the control room and engine department where they don’t have to deal with people and their incessant demands. They would sit in front of their computer screens and monitor the proper functioning of the ship’s diesel electric turbines, the ship’s machinery, equipment, electricity generators and winches. Being stern and serious minded; the Chief Safety Officer and the Chief Maintenance Officer would also Germans, the former in charge of emergency evacuations, fire prevention and fire drills, the latter in charge of the maintenance and proper functioning of the ship’s toilets, elevators, air-conditioning plant, air-fresheners, water plant, Frankfurter dispenser, sewage system and refuse disposal systems.

The Swiss are now behaving like hairdressers and talking their heads off to anyone wielding a bigger brush than they do. They can no longer be trusted with the money of tin-pot despots, assorted African dictators, American and German tax dodgers so they would forfeit the boring but important banking and accounting function to the Finns, apparently the least bribable or corruptible people in the world. The Swiss would be the official rat-catchers on the ship because it takes a rat to catch a rat. They would be placed in charge of overall hygiene, fumigation, infestation and cleaning up operations like getting rid of vermin & cockroaches, washing the decks, scrubbing the stairwells, removing rust and painting the exterior of the ship while in port.

The bicycle friendly but otherwise shrewd Dutch, as pursers would order all food, dairy products, fresh fruit & vegetables, drink, other general stores and supplies and generally be in charge of all bedding, clothing and uniforms. They would negotiate with ship chandlers and suppliers ashore the best possible price for all food and drink items stocked on board but without adding on generous markups or commissions for themselves. They would work on lists and quality controls provided by the Italians and the French. The Dutch however would not be in charge of the ships food stores, pantries and cold rooms because of a past tendency to want to sell the food to the kitchens at exaggerated prices based on increased demand during peak cooking hours.

The Italians and French would jointly run the galleys and provide the chefs and line cooks, with the Italians in charge of antipasti, pasta and risotto dishes but the French would run the boulangerie and patisserie section. Italian baristas would run the coffee bars and gelateria’s. The French and Italians would have shared control of the cheese larder but under the mediation of UN trained Norwegian peacekeepers to prevent skulduggery, chicanery and ugly flare-ups. There would also be a Thai restaurant run by Thai chefs and a proper Japanese sushi restaurant run by Japanese chefs. The dolphin-friendly Japanese chefs and waiters would have their own karaoke bar and “comfort” ladies to keep them happy and stop them from molesting and groping the milder natured Thai’s.

The medical team, including doctors and trauma nurses would be South Africans as would the ship’s butcher who would be recruited in Pretoria. Not for nothing is Thailand called the Land of Smiles & Happy Endings. The Thai people understand the art of relaxation and how to pamper people, so they would run the spa and beauty centre on the ship. The Chinese with their fondness for steamy, unsavoury environments and with their particular set of nefarious skills would not only operate the laundry but also wash money for the ship’s Sicilian owners in the casino. The Indians would run the tailoring and mending department and all the duty free shops.

The ship’s gymn instructor, aerobics and fitness trainer would be a bisexual cross-dresser called Johandri, short for Johan-Dries and would hail from Klerksdorp. He will eventually fall in love with the ship’s cruise director, a rather flamboyant, multi-lingual and multi-talented bronzed Brazilian babe called Esmeralda who used to be a Rio Carnival samba dancer called Ambrosio before undergoing a sex change operation.

Some ex-Mossad Israeli’s would naturally take care of passenger screening, profiling and all security matters including manning the water cannons and catapults to repel pirates. The Americans would run showbiz, the awards ceremonies, and the entertainment and stage productions but would leave comedy to the British. The lead female singer would be a former lounge singer from the Hilton Hotel in rural Minnesota, a Celine Dion lookalike but with blonde and pink highlights, enhanced breasts and better teeth. The show girls would include several Ukrainian gymnasts and pole vaulters, the entertainers and musicians would be drawn from all over the world because talent knows no borders.

The Cubans would supply and run the cigar lounge and the free rum rations. Devious Greek waiters and even scheming island gigolos have been eclipsed in recent years by those drawn from places like the Philippines, Bali in Indonesia and Thailand. These are countries where the locals understand the meaning of hospitality, friendliness and excellent service with a smile.

The Greeks would be kept well away from the ship’s show girls, the ship’s pumps, bilge tanks, drainage valves and the accounting department. They would be given a token position near the pool deck running a small souvlaki stand under strict supervision and in the permanent presence of a German fire warden with meat provided by the South African butcher approved by the Swiss hygiene inspector.

The Greeks would also be volunteered in lieu of blow up dummies as live victims in the fire evacuation, first aid, man overboard and rescue at sea drills run by the Germans. Because of unresolved anger management issues and safety concerns raised by the helpless Greeks against the competent Germans, the German engineers would be kept well away from life threatening equipment and sharp objects such as harpoons and hooks.

There would be no Canadian or Australian crew members on board mainly because of their insistence on the use of politically correct, non-offensive, legally vetted, UN sanctioned, non-sexist, non-racial, equal opportunity, gender neutral, court approved, ethically correct, culturally sensitive and universally applicable terminology and commands at all times even during extreme emergencies.

Costas Ayiotis