A Job for Life

A Job for Life

By Costantino Ayiotis

According to the DIA, Italy's anti-Mafia agency, the powerful Sicilian Mafia is reinventing itself. It appears that the Mafia is scanning the job market for university graduates and existing professionals in search of a thrilling change of direction in their career paths or desiring exposure to unlimited new business opportunities. Mafiosi are urgently wanted and needed. But these are Mafiosi with a difference. The top bosses of the Mafia want the new recruits to add intellectual weight to the Mafia's top management structures and help give it a more respectable face. This ambitious plan even envisions elevating the "cultural level" of the Mafia's management by entrusting the top jobs to Mafiosi who have a good education and a respectable social position.

This is a dramatic shift in policy and creates all sorts of interesting new procedures especially the time-honoured tradition of inducting new members. As you know the Mafiosi of old had to commit a murder before they could join the ranks of "made men." This was an essential badge of honour and courage. You would walk into a family owned neighbourhood Trattoria and shoot some barrel-chested fat guy wearing a napkin around his neck in the head and abdomen, splattering his blood and brains all over his Linguini carbonara.

These were tough no-nonsense men equally skilled with the lupara (sawn off shotgun), the knife or the garrotte. ( a piano wire used for strangulation). They were formally inducted into a family after being proposed by an existing family member. The proposer had to "stand up for the man'' and mumble something like "he's a friend of mine", and now "he's a friend of ours". After drawing blood, burning a religious image (normally a postcard of the Madonna or some obscure saint), and swearing to uphold "our thing"- Cosa Nostra, a new sacred code would now govern your life until death. You were "a man of respect" and from that moment on the demands of your new family would come first, before God, before country and before your biological family. You could only become a "made guy" if you and both your parents were either Sicilian or Italian, so that they could trace your entire family in the unlikely event of an "emergency". This was the highest honour they could give you. You belonged to a crew and they'd say with approval: "He's one of us."


For a start the murder requirement has now been waived for the New Age Mafia recruits. A predilection for violence is no longer required and has now been replaced by a predilection for finance. This has not been well received by many of the old school bosses. They say they are "disappointed" with this dispensation. They openly mock the wisdom of this arrangement and taunt the new recruits with Clemenza's immortal line to Michael Corleone: " Mikey, leave the gun, take the canolis!".

The New Age bosses reply that the modern Mafia needs college graduates with a new set of skills to meet the rigours of the fast moving and constantly changing international business environment. The Mafia after all makes in excess of 75 billion Euro’s per annum from its various activities and has diversified its operations substantially from its traditional reliance on loan sharking and protection rackets. People skilled in business administration are in great demand with particular emphasis in the specialized fields of finance, law, accountancy, strategy, mergers, acquisitions, stock-broking, buyouts and human resources. Skill with guns, knives and bombs they say can be outsourced to "associates." This includes non-Italians, people who are not formally inducted members of a family, but still work with the family and do favours when required. This in turn has created new job opportunities in the Russian, Palestinian, Chinese and Latino communities.

The candidates still have to swear absolute loyalty and allegiance to their new family and take the traditional oath of silence - the Omerta.
Candidates are required to repeat the following oath: “I swear to be faithful to the Cosa Nostra. If I betray, my flesh should burn.” At least some of the old traditions remain. But now they burn a digital image of Pamela Anderson in the nude giving head to Tommy Lee. In addition you must be punctual at all times and avoid frequenting bars. Instead of drawing blood with the blade of a serious looking stiletto knife all the squeamish new recruits now have to endure is a little pinprick on the right thumb.

Not many people know that the Cosa Nostra has a constitution. This novelty was introduced by recently arrested “boss of bosses”, Salvatore Lo Piccolo. It is a list of guiding principles enforcing compliance with a “moral code” or a set of “moral values.” For instance the rather distasteful Greek practice of ogling the bums of wives of those who are our friends and business associates is strictly forbidden. Mafiosi are banned from frequenting bars and they must respect their wives and be good to their children. Pets are not specifically mentioned. Remember this is an evolutionary process and the mafia are not strong on animal rights. Anyone who does not comply with these moral values is automatically “excluded” from Mafia membership. Again what form this “ostracism” or “exclusion” will take is not explained in any great detail.

Prospective candidates have to prove that they have committed a white-collar crime without being prosecuted. In the past a prosecution, indictment or jail sentence was an essential rite of passage. Now with the new requirement for "respectability" and "good social standing", a criminal record or jail time might even bar your entry and prevent your selection! The "new bloods" need to satisfy the Mafia selection board in Palermo that they have embezzled, defrauded or stolen at least $500 000 from a company, bank, trust fund, NGO, financial institution, government institution, political party, pension fund, medical aid or body corporate. Defrauding an insurance company is especially favoured and this ensures that the candidate gets a special mention in his personnel file for fast track promotion.

This new financial requirement means that Wall Street investment bankers and the financial directors, investment advisors and accountants of several large US corporations would automatically be eligible to apply for positions. All they have to do is drop off a resume at their local Mafia office and wait to be called in for an interview.

As you can see the entry requirements are tough. You will not only have to meet the previously mentioned financial requirement but also pass a written and oral test on the History, Origins, Socio-economic Significance and Practices of the Mafia. You will then be required to successfully bribe a politician. Your local member of parliament, premier or mayor will do. This is the easy part especially in South Africa. You will then be shipped off to Sicily to undergo a rigorous orientation course first in the capital Palermo, and then at the Mafia University, which has secret campuses in the villages of Corleone and Catellamare del Golfo.

The legendary Don Vito in the old country was one of the first bosses to see the value in promoting on-going adult education programmes for his Mafia brethren. He was devoted to his students and applied considerable intelligence to perfecting the age-old technique of extortion. He exhorted his students to apply a measure of leniency and finesse: "You have to skim the cream off the milk without breaking the bottle", he advised. "Don't force people into bankruptcy with ridiculous demands for money. Offer them your protection instead and they'll kiss your hand out of gratitude."

Gone are the requirements that you have to be able to manage a crew, "go to the mattresses" and cook spaghetti with meatballs for your men. Thankfully the ranking hierarchy has remained unchanged. You still get dons, capo's, bosses, under bosses, consiglieri's, captains and soldiers. You now start your career as a soldier of another sort. And you'll be doing something far more dangerous than a combat soldier. You'll be looking after the Mafia's money. As you pore over spreadsheets, crunch numbers and hack into confidential computer files, you know there is no room for error, but you will be comforted by the fact that your newfound life has value, purpose and meaning. And above all, you are a "man of respect".

You will first start in one of the family's legitimate business. This practice is called "confinement" or "containment". As you get to know more about the myriad business activities of your new family, prove your worth and ability to them and show that you are a discreet and trustworthy person, you will eventually graduate to an illegal business operation. You may even be promoted to the rank of consiglieri or advisor. This role of counsellor to the family is a highly respected position as it gives you unlimited access to the seat of power, the don or head of the family. If he likes you he may start grooming you to become his understudy and if he really likes you he may even "suggest" that you marry his daughter.

Previous work experience in any of the following industries will be a strong recommendation: waste management and disposal, construction, pharmaceuticals, electronics, accounting, banking, property development, law, gambling, lotteries, transportation, hotel management, food, tourism and leisure activities. With the Mafia moving so much money around nowadays, currency traders are also in great demand by the organization. Candidates need to be in possession of at least a five-year degree from a reputable college or university, ideally a degree or professional qualification in law or accounting followed by an MBA specializing in any of the above fields.

Thinking of applying? Well here are some tips to bear in mind: Keep your resume short. No more than three double-spaced typed pages. The selection committee doesn't like reading too much. In fact some of them can't read, but whatever you do don't mention this. You can make up for this brevity by throwing in the occasional fancy word to impress them with your worldly sophistication. They may be words they don't understand, but if they do make you a job offer, remember you cannot refuse. Do mention membership of clubs and societies. If you were a boy scout, a member of the philatelic society, the Shakespeare society, the chess club, the debating society or sang in the Eisteddfod at school and as an adult, a member of Rotary, Toastmasters, your local chamber of commerce or a friend of the Opera, be sure to mention this. Membership of an exclusive WASP golf club will also count in your favour.

In short the members of the selection panel need to be convinced that you are a refined and cultured young man of exceptional ability, a true all-rounder but with more emphasis on your academic and cultural achievements than on the sports fields. They clearly don't want some hard-drinking hothead with a weight problem who eats prime rib and sits around drinking espresso all day at the Italian social club. They are also not looking for flamboyant flashy dressers like the late John Gotti. So give those purple shirts and the check mustard coloured jacket that you love wearing, a miss. Rather donate your old wardrobe to the Salvation Army.

White vests and hairy armpits in public places are also out. You have to dress in a sober conservative style like an investment banker, charcoal grey suits, white shirt, dark tie, even darker socks and black well-polished Church brogues. If you like playing cards and going to sleazy strip joints like the infamous Bada -Bing club, keep it to yourself and even better change your socializing habits. Your friends will not have abbreviated names like Al, Sal, Paulie, Vinnie or Mikey. Nicknames are also out. So forget about using names like Jimmy Two Times, Frankie the Nose and Freddy the Wop. It's just not cool. The New Age Mafiosi don't shoot people in the foot just for a laugh. They don't go pheasant hunting with machine guns. They don't beat people up in the streets with baseball bats and trash-can lids. They don't bury bodies. The only lime they use is in their soda water.

Still interested in applying? OK. Remember that certain words, phrases and expressions loved by the old school Mafiosi have fallen out of favour and are no longer in vogue. So don't pepper your conversation with them thinking that you'll impress the selection committee with your new tough guy image. These are words like wack, pop, clip, waste, forgedaboudid, whatsa matter you, ugatz, gumba, goomah (girlfriend), sleeps with the fishes, wet my beak etc. If you use these words they'll think you're a fucking idiot, who's trying to mock them. So please don't upset them.

Don't forget to tell them that you love and respect your mama the most, and you enjoy her cooking the best. They may be seasoned killers applying modern selection criteria but they still support traditional family values. Tell them that you don't gamble, you drink the occasional glass of red wine with your meals and that your favourite food but only in restaurants, is seared sesame crusted tuna served on a bed of seaweed and crispy noodles dressed with a piquant peanut vinaigrette.

Besides not having a criminal record, you and members of your family must also not have a history of mental disorders. This was something that was frequently overlooked in the past but is now considered an "infama" or "disgrazia", a sign of weakness that makes you unfit for service. The convener of a recent selection committee, a trusted and well-liked old timer from the old country, a Capo from Castellammare called Joe "Big Fish" Baccala was overheard dispensing the following advice to a young buck:

“Figlio mio, (my boy), listen very carefully to what I am about to tell you and remember it well. You could become a very useful member of our organization one day, but I have also noticed that you have a very sensitive side to your nature. Since my dear nephew, Gaetano was the man who stood up for you, for your nomination, I am going to do you both a favour and overlook this weakness in your character. In return you will also do something for me. If you have a problem, any problem whatsoever, you come to one of us. You don't go to some fucking shrink like those clowns on TV. If you have to, rather go to a catholic priest. If you like we can always provide one with a sympathetic ear. Do this for me and I'll remember this favour."

As he said this, the old don tapped the side of his forehead with his gnarled trigger finger, for added emphasis.

So if you are seeking relief from the tedium of the corporate world, you speak Italian, are young, smart, urbane, ambitious, brimming with new ideas, you love opera, the theatre, you dress with impeccable taste and you have an aptitude for high finance and numbers this may be the job for you. The perks and salary are good. You will get a generous clothing allowance and wear the finest Armani, Boss and Saville Row suits. You will eat in the finest restaurants. You will drive a luxury vehicle, maybe even a metallic silver Volvo Estate. You will live in a secure gated community that has green lawns rolling all the way down to a lakefront and your own private jetty and boathouse. Your will live in a white stucco double storey with a slate roof, multiple chimneys and mock Grecian pillars at the imposing porte cochere and entrance. Your new employer will even pay your country club dues. If you're lucky you may even live in a golfing estate. There is no pension plan however, but there is also no resignation, only honourable semi-retirement where your services may be called upon from time to time as a mentor, consultant or as a member of a selection panel. Take comfort from the fact that if you die accidentally or in the course of dispensing your duties, your dependants will be well looked after.

So off you go and the best of luck to you! Polish your shoes, wear your finest suit, take a deep breath and remember to kiss the Padrino on the hand. For heavens sake don't go anywhere near his mouth with your lips like the wretched and overly exuberant Albanian waiter! It was a fatal faux pas. In the new world you are about to enter one misplaced kiss is all it takes to end your life. And if you have big balls don't forget to take along a small box of canolis, preferably gift-wrapped.

Best regards
Costantino