Priests or Prostitutes

The Holy Synod of the Greek Orthodox Church has started a recruitment drive for new priests. To make the selection process easier they have drafted a new set of rules for the admission of candidates to the clergy. The admission requirements are straightforward. Candidate priests must be male. They may be single or married. If they’re single they can rise all the way up the church hierarchy and one day become bishops, archbishops and even patriarch (the Greek equivalent to the pope but with more facial hair and fewer followers). If they’re married they will remain priests or fathers for the rest of their careers and be sent to run a community or parish church in a suburb, neighbourhood, village or island.

The priests that land up in a village or on some island may have fewer material benefits but they also have fewer responsibilities and are left largely to their own devices. There is less politically inspired interference in the work they do from their superiors in the church hierarchy. Many of them take up fishing, while others collect honey and tend to their herb gardens and vegetable patches. They eat exceedingly well, have free access to the best wine, olives, feta and olive oil money can buy and are generally accepted and well liked by the villagers or island folk. Throw in the odd chicken in the pot or leg of lamb courtesy of the kind village folk and what more could a man ask for? Spanakopita perhaps? Well, the company of a merry widow with a flair for baking will take care of that one. They spend their free time at the village kafeneion idling the sweet hours away sipping free coffee and as the spiritual leader of their community listening to gossip and occasionally counselling their flock in this informal but convenient setting. Sounds like the ideal stress-free job to me.

In some way the married priests get to miss out on a lot of the action. For a start if you’re young and single you may start your career in some distant monastery perched precariously on a cliff with incredible views of the sea and the surrounding countryside. The Greek Church is arguably the biggest landowner in all of Greece and they know a good location when they see it. They own everything from vast tracts of pine-covered mountainsides to marble-clad shopping centres outside Athens.

You could say that it’s in these very monasteries that the men are separated from the boys. The way they do this strangely enough is by getting the boys to spend a lot of their free time in the evenings with the men. Anyone who has spent a night in a monastic cell (visiting non-clerical guests are occasionally allowed to stay over in some monasteries) will tell you about the cries of ecclesiastical ecstasy that echo within the stony ramparts as the young charges are “tutored” and “mentored” into the ways of their newly chosen vocation. If you’re fond of animals, you get to spend a lot of time with the chickens, goats and sheep. Vows may be vows but priests after all are only human.

Either way, as a priest the fringe benefits are good. You get free accommodation. You get to wear a dark navy blue cassock or black robes that are durable, crease resistant and virtually stain proof. You also wear cylindrically shaped head-gear that looks like a black chef’s hat. The story goes that in ancient times wealthy Greek and Roman households valued their prized chefs and their recipes so much that they disguised them as priests to protect them as they escaped from the invading Barbarian hordes, hence the classic cylindrical shape of the chef’s hat.

You have to grow a beard, so you save on razorblades and aftershave. You eat and drink well, considerably well, hence the need for dark stain proof garments. I have yet to meet a skinny Greek priest. And if I did happen to meet one, I wouldn’t trust him, just as I would not have much confidence in a skinny chef. The first inviolable rule in any business in these impressionable times is that you must look the part and organised religion is no exception. It’s a thriving business, just ask any image consultant. You must look as if you have arrived at the top not like you’re still trying to get there. In the case of Greek priests looking well-fed is a distinct advantage. Thin priests simply lack the requisite presence and gravitas required for the job.

In terms of the new rules you may not apply to join the priesthood if you’re a coroner or heaven forbid a gynaecologist. I can’t quite understand why morticians and coroners are excluded. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that their job requires them to violate or desecrate dead bodies. Even if it’s done in the best interests of science or forensic medicine, I guess this puts you in the same league as a police detective. The church is very old fashioned and understandably squeamish about these things. Gynaecologists spend their lives working with the reproductive organs of females. In the eyes of the church, anything to do with women is taboo. It was Eve after all who seduced Adam in the Garden of Eden, bringing untold suffering and misery to all of mankind in perpetuity. The reasoning goes that women are devious and manipulative temptresses not to be trusted. The same applies to anyone who works too closely or in this case intimately with them.

Other medical specialists however are welcome to join. So if you’re a proctologist who has dedicated his life to rectal medicine, for the uninitiated that branch of medicine concerned with disorders of the colon, rectum and anus, then no problem, you can apply to join. This branch of medicine may in fact be very useful especially in the all-male monasteries.

Actors representing as they do a calling that is “most soul-corrupting and harmful” are most unwelcome to apply to join the priesthood. You cannot trust men that routinely apply make up on their faces, wear stockings and who live in a make-believe fantasy world. Owners of wine and liquor shops are also unwelcome which, is a trifle confusing because Greek priests consume vast quantities of wine and that’s not just the sacramental wine they need to properly perform their hocus pocus rites and ceremonies.

Lawyers and politicians are unwelcome. No argument here. They lie for a living. No mention is made of accountants, although by the same logic they should also be excluded. But then again they are needed to administer the vast wealth of the church including property holdings and other investments.

Members of the armed forces are excluded presumably because they are trained to kill for a living. Then again the Greek armed forces have not fired a shot in anger against external foes since the Korean War. They did however turn their tanks and guns against the demonstrating students of the Athens Polytechnic in the late sixties during the military junta of Colonel Papadopoulos and his henchmen. The Church it seems still holds this against them. During the Greek War of Independence against the Turks, priests were often at the forefront of the struggle for freedom, shooting Turks, blowing up their fortresses and slitting Turkish throats with wild, gleeful and gay abandon. This does not count as service in the armed forces and in any event all these priests are now conveniently dead.

The Holy Synod says that the church will open its arms to farmers, fishermen, beekeepers, candle-makers, carpenters and cobblers, all of them honest, decent and hardworking occupations. A clear indication that post the Olympic games euphoria, times are tough in Greece and the job market is limited, is the willingness of the church to also welcome candidates from many modern professions including seismology, meteorology, biology and astronomy. Seismology makes sense. Greece is particularly prone to earthquakes and the good fathers would want to have advance warning given that their hotline to the Almighty is overworked, frequently congested and not always reliable.

This list of acceptable professions should include athletes, pole-vaulters and hurdlers. Priests blessed with strong legs, athleticism and physical prowess could do very well for themselves. Why you may ask. Simply because renegade priests from outlying areas in search of wealthier clients have been known to scramble over the walls at the main cemeteries in Athens and ply their trade by conducting “unauthorised” memorial services at grave-sides in return for money donations from relatives of the deceased. The marauding priests then get chased away by the understandably irate priests of the area who need to protect their turf or else face being deprived of business and loss of custom. So back over the wall they scramble in an unseemly rush for safety, as insults are hurled and the odd stone is cast at the offenders.

Yes. Anyone who has spent time with Greek priests will tell you that you need deep pockets. In ancient times when a priest walked past you, you would grab your testicles and cup your private parts in your hands. No not for your protection from errant priests. But because it was a customary pagan ritual to ensure that your loins remained fruitful as priests were seen as symbols and guarantors of fertility. This practice was discontinued over time given the demands for more modesty in modern times and evolved into the infinitely more meaningful practice of thrusting your hands into your pockets and parting with your money.

The priests who enter the priesthood single can climb the ecclesiastical ladder if they are ambitious and play their cards right and can reach the upper ranks or echelons of the church hierarchy. As bishops and archbishops they get to wear cream and purple coloured garments and vestments to distinguish them from lowly parish priests, lavishly adorned with gold threaded embroidery. The maces, chalices and crowns become jewel encrusted and the crosses, larger more elaborate and studded with rubies. The rewards can be considerable for the chosen few. Luxurious villas on the coast of Greece and Cyprus and Swiss bank accounts are common practice.

At my father’s funeral in the picturesque coastal suburb of Vouliagmeni, three priests officiated on the day. The senior ranking priest approached my uncle before the service and told him that he had three gold crosses of differing sizes in his collection all strung from thick rope like gold chains. The reason he told him this is because he wanted to know which cross we wanted him to wear. He patiently explained to my perplexed uncle that if he wore the largest and more ornate of the three crosses it would cost us more.


The Italian film director, Frederico Fellini, got it right when in one of his films he depicted Catholic bishops, archbishops and cardinals in all their glory participating in an ecclesiastical fashion show. He paraded them on the ramp in their finery, complete with maces, tall hats, crimson, cream and gold vestments. Fellini was possibly ahead of his time because only this week in Poland, SacroExpo was held. This is Europe’s largest religious trade fair with 235 vendors from 11 countries exhibiting and peddling their wares. The fair is officially called the Sixth International Exhibition of Church Construction, Church Fittings, Furnishings and Religious Art. It draws 3000 Catholic priests annually. Items on sale include church organs, massive church bells, icons, statues, crucifixes, rosaries, stylish vestments, stained glass windows, shiny golden chalices, whips, the encyclopaedia of exorcism, Cape sandstone cladding and other assorted kitsch and religious paraphernalia. Food on sale includes our version of boerie-rolls in the form of Polish Kielbasa sausages and Italian salsicce. So if you’re a successful archbishop looking for a plush red velvet armchair that befits your status complete with carved wooden angels hovering protectively above your head, this is where you find it. Salvation doesn’t come cheap.

The Greek Orthodox Church cannot match their Catholic counterparts in this regard. Though in central Athens near Mitropoleos there’s an entire street of shops that cater for the religious trade, selling approved items, everything from icons that glow in the dark, to church sanctioned worry beads. They are however not allowed to sell evil eyes. Even though many Greeks wear them, side by side with their gold crucifixes, they’re considered harmful pagan artefacts by the church, their protective qualities being seriously questioned probably because it could cost them business.

The Catholic Church must be commended for its entrepreneurial spirit and uncanny ability to combine good-old fashioned commercialism with spirituality and aesthetic considerations. Here the Catholic Church is merely continuing another age old tradition. Remember Pope Julius II who in the sixteenth century incurred the wrath of Luther by selling indulgences (a pass or clearance certificate to enter heaven) to the faithful flock so that he could fund the building and renovation of his pet project, Saint Peter’s Basilica in Rome.

If you decide to enter the priesthood and appear before a selection committee, remember to look the part by growing a beard. You should also prepare yourself for the role by putting on some weight. At least six months before you face the committee you should eat all the dolmathes and baklava you can lay your hands on. Then proceed to devour several whole chickens, platters of lamb chops, several kilos of keftethes and trays of roasted potatoes every week. Loaves of thick crusty white bread dunked into half litre bowls of olive oil will also help give you the desired girth and a healthy ruddy complexion and elasticity to your cheeks.
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Remember to go bearing gifts. This will show that you are of sound mind and serious intent. It is also better to give than to receive. Bearing gifts is seen as a biblical imperative and there is biblical precedent for this. Five litre tins of olive oil, buckets of feta cheese, an entire lamb and barrels of wine will do nicely. Gold Kruger Rands are even better. Just make sure you have enough to go around. This is not seen as an attempt to bribe the members of the committee. On the contrary, to appear before them empty handed is considered disrespectful of the church and its traditions.

This act of generosity will also prepare you to receive gracefully when your turn comes when you are finally ordained as a priest. The members of your parish will be expected to provide you with all the home comforts. The ladies of the congregation will be falling over themselves to take turns to feed you every week, especially if you’re single and good looking. Shopping at supermarkets will be a thing of the past. Wealthier communities have even been known to provide their priests with cars and collections of art and antique furniture. You’ll be invited to lots of funerals, weddings and baptisms, so your stomach will always be full of food and your pockets full of cash. Best of all saving souls is a cash business. Run it like a shop. Open on time, keep a healthy cash flow, be discreet with the widows, remember to give the archbishop his cut and you’ll do just fine.

CA
Pretoria
15 June 2005