The Sexual Habits of the Greeks through the Ages

This little vignette on the sexual habits of the Greeks is dedicated to all my amoral friends out there who are only happy when they are fornicating.

It’s official! The Greeks are the fornicating champions of the world. This is according to a global survey conducted by Durex, one of the worlds leading and most respected condom manufacturers. The 2005 Durex Global Sex Survey is the largest sexual health research project of its kind in the world. More than 317 000 people from 41 countries took part in the world’s largest ever survey of sexual attitudes and behaviour. The research shows that Greeks are the most sexually active people on the planet having sex 138 times a year, well above the global average of 103 times.

Neighbouring countries Croatia (134) and Serbia and Montenegro (128) came a close second and third, while Bulgaria came in fourth at (127). The workaholic Japanese, are the least amorous lovers in the world and not surprisingly also the least satisfied with their sex lives. They came in last having sex only 45 times a year. Predictably men all over the world are least satisfied with how often they have sex, 41% want it more frequently compared to just 29 % of women. The pesky Turks have more sexual partners than any other country (14.5). South Africa comes in at a respectable fifth place when it comes to number of partners. Sex using artificial mechanical devices such as dildo’s and vibrators is most popular in Australia, the USA, Canada and New Zealand. These are countries where women are the dominant species, women call the shots; and the men have been suitably emasculated and do as they are told otherwise they sit in their cars crying into their beers. It’s also possible that these countries have higher lesbian populations. Vibrators are less popular in Italy, Greece, Turkey and Vietnam. The Greeks together with the Chileans top the charts when it comes to anal sex (55%) followed by the Italians in second place at (50%), the Croatians and Finns in joint third place (49%), the Norwegians in fourth place (48%) and the USA in fifth place (47%). *(See attachment at www.durex.com/gss).

When the results were announced in Greece, large jubilant crowds spilled out onto the streets and gathered in Syntagma Square, Omonia and other public spaces all over Athens in a spontaneous outpouring of public joy, to celebrate and to express their pride and satisfaction at this remarkable achievement. Not since Greece was crowned European Soccer Champions last year has there been such a buoyant revival of the national spirit. The crowds danced and hugged each other to the strains of Bouzouki music and chanted in unison: “Poutsos! Poutsos! Zito o Poutsos! (Penis! penis! long live the penis!). The crowd had unknowingly revived the ancient Greek practice of penis worship. In ancient times the celebration of the erect penis was a positive symbol. Women and girls routinely wore penis amulets as lucky charms and erections were carved on doors of houses to bring good fortune. Giant sculpted penises on stone pillars stood sentinel at country crossroads to protect travellers from evil spirits and the evil eye. Dionysus the Greek god of wine, parties and orgies smiled from his lofty perch atop Mount Olympus as he absentmindedly stroked his penis while planning his own celebration with his wayward coterie of inebriated muses and bored goddesses.

The mood in Greece until recently has been quite sombre and Greece desperately needed the good news to revive low morale and flagging national fortunes. A Greek Orthodox priest was recently arrested on the island of Lesbos for trying to pimp a young Polish woman to an undercover policeman for 100 Euros. The very powerful Greek Orthodox Church has been rocked by this and a series of high-profile sex and corruption scandals that have seriously tarnished its image. The graft ring is alleged to have included judges, lawyers and Greek Orthodox clerics. The country unfortunately has always been plagued by a plethora of very public corruption scandals involving bankers, industrialists and politicians. Jacob Zuma and Shabir Shaik would feel entirely at home in Greece although the Greeks are old hands at the bribery game and would make our boys look like amateur cub scouts, selling lemonade at a church fair. Post the Olympic Games euphoria, the country’s economy has faced a crippling multi-billion Euro debt burden, a spiralling budget deficit and a severe economic downturn. The prospect of higher taxes and other austerity measures to be introduced by the conservative government of Prime Minister Constantine Karamanlis led to a series of crippling strikes by doctors, teachers, air traffic controllers and other civil servants demanding higher pay, bringing the country to a virtual standstill this week.

Politicians from all the major parties, keen for some media exposure and eager to capitalise on the mass feelings of goodwill, were quick to join the festivities and from balconies and hastily erected podiums praised the Greek nation for its unflagging energy and passion. There was even fevered talk of several smaller parties joining in a coalition to form a new political party to be called “The Poutsos Party.” Mr Evangelos Malakismenos the leader of the NMP or New Mounothuella Party stepped up to one of the podiums and announced to the crowd that sex could be a powerful force for good and a catalyst for positive change. “The battles of Greece could be fought in the bedroom and not in the streets with unnecessary strikes. Solidarity was needed in these difficult times. Greeks for once could set aside their party political and ideological differences and petty internecine squabbles and agree to act for the good of the country. It was time to place the interests of the nation above the interests of the political parties. It was time to seek consensus and adopt a multi-partisan approach to address the many challenges and pressing problems that the country faced. The last time the country was so united was when they fought the Italians and the Germans during the Second World War. Bravo! Long live Greece! Let’s keep it up! Keep it up! He cried to shouts of approval and cheering from the crowd.

Greece after all has always adopted a very pragmatic approach when it comes to mixing sex with politics and almost expects and certainly admires sexual prowess and machismo from its leading politicians. Politicians in Greece, Italy and France have always known that sex has a powerful allure and that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. The European public and press have always been more open and understanding when it comes to human desires, weaknesses and frailties. They seem to adopt a far more tolerant, mature and adult stance in these matters.

In Italy porn star Ilona Staller, affectionately known as “La Cicciolina” – “Cuddles” in Italian, famously bared her breasts while on the campaign trail and was duly elected to the Italian parliament. After winning her seat in Parliament, “Cicciolina” continued acting in porn films for another two years and on two separate occasions offered to sleep with Saddam Hussein to prevent a war in the Gulf and to achieve peace in the Middle East. The allied coalition should have taken her up on her offer and saved the world a whole lot of trouble. I’m sure Saddam would have obliged her if given half a chance. In October 2002 she declared: “My breasts have never done anyone any harm, while Bin Laden’s war has caused thousands of victims.” In France President Francois Mitterand was famous for his many liaisons and even had a daughter with one of his mistresses. Socialist Prime Minister Andreas Papandreou was a legendary womaniser and had a long standing affair with Dimitra Liani, otherwise known as “Mimi”, a buxom bottle blonde air-hostess working for Olympic Airways. The numerous affairs of Mitterand in France and Papandreou in Greece rather than leading to their demise only served to strengthen their appeal and increase their popularity at the polls.

In the United Kingdom there is very little tolerance for sexual indiscretions on the part of their political figures and many an unfortunate politician and cabinet minister has had to resign in disgrace after being caught in flagrante delicto wearing nothing but a black lacy brassiere, suspender belt and fishnet stockings. In British political circles there may be a predilection for cross-dressing and buggery while in the USA an entire generation of young women will be remembered for their cock-sucking. The US has inherited and perfected the British secret weapon; hypocrisy and it now reigns supreme. The USA has become notorious for applying double standards in everything ranging from foreign policy, environmental affairs, religion, global trade practices, family values and sexual mores. A strong puritanical streak runs through Middle America and the moral conservatism of the Bible belt states borders on the hysterical yet the USA is the largest producer and consumer of pornographic films and magazines.

President Kennedy had numerous affairs including his celebrated affair with the ill-fated Marilyn Monroe yet the all knowing press of the day chose to ignore these indiscretions while others have been blown out of proportion. President Bill Clinton was impeached during his second term of office because he was forced to lie about his improper liaison with Monica Lewinsky, the highly impressionable young White House intern. At the time with all the righteous moral indignation and sophistry only he could muster, he uttered the famous words: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman!” He did however manage to insert a large Cuban cigar into the young lady’s vagina and in return the grateful young intern performed fellatio on the Presidential penis. Philip Roth the great American novelist maintains that Clinton should have had anal sex with Lewinsky to ensure her silence. Being a good middle class Jewish American Princess she would have kept her mouth shut. Any self–respecting Greek, Italian or French politician would have given him the same advice. The difference is that this kind of risqué behaviour would barely raise an eyebrow on the Continent.

Professor Haris Poutsomegalokefalos, Head of Sexual Studies and Human Behaviour at Athens University, was not surprised at the results of the global survey. Looking like a tanned version of Woody Allen with a large Roman nose, and large black-rimmed oval spectacles with thick bottle lenses that distorted his small beady eyes, he was dressed in a utilitarian white lab coat, his only concession to sartorial flair being a silk crimson red bow-tie. Members of his academic support staff were convinced that under this uninspiring exterior he wore racy underwear just like Mao-Tse Tung’s widow. In the latter’s instance her undoing was a weakness for lacy imported French lingerie which she wore beneath her austere Mao suit. The professor was a volatile little man, a bundle of highly combustible and excitable nerves that got the better of him when he was challenged by fellow academics. Dealing now with the scoundrels from the press he looked surprisingly calm, relaxed and decidedly smug. Believing that reporters as mere scribes were of inferior intellect, he displayed an unpleasant combination of being conceited, all-knowing and provincial. At the press conference in Athens, the highly regarded academic patiently explained to the assembled journalists in his best high-pitched voice that there were many reasons for the Greeks coming up tops in the global sex survey. For a start there was he said, a clear connection between hot weather and sex. According to his research the Eskimo’s had very little sex in winter. The cold weather adversely affected their libido. Hot weather made people feel alive and liberated and further inspired uninhibited behaviour and attitudes in human beings. The Greeks he said have agile, open and enquiring minds. This natural inquisitiveness makes them question everything especially authority and rules. This flexibility, chameleon-like adaptability and relaxed morality in modern Greek society allows them to be uninhibited about their sexuality.

There was he said also a connection and a basic affinity between travel, tourism and sex. The more you travel the more you want to have sex. Travel even in Byron’s day when the Grand European tour was de rigeur for young English aristocrats, went hand in hand with the search for sexual exploration and adventure in the sexually permissive, warmer and more forgiving climes of the southern Mediterranean. Millions of female tourists from Northern Europe, the Nordic and Scandinavian countries visit Greece each summer with the express purpose of getting a tan , eating tzatziki, getting drunk and having sex with a local in that order. Whole neighbourhoods and entire suburbs of single and married Greek men are mobilised during the summer months to satisfy the needs of these tourists. This happy band of brigands, marauders and gigolo’s immerse themselves with single-minded determination into the national pastime and practice of what is commonly referred to in the vernacular as “kamaki” – which means to harpoon or spear a fish. It is often with the implicit consent of their wives, mistresses and girlfriends, who suddenly infused with Olympian detachment, turn a blind eye for the duration of the silly season because it is a matter of national pride that their men are so sought after for their sexual prowess. Casual sex with a “xeni” – a cold-blooded foreigner doesn’t really count as long as you don’t fall in love with your blonde Agnetha and run away to Upsala with her. The legendary Greek hospitality is in part based on sharing food and sex with total strangers. It’s even better of course if the total strangers pay for the food and sex. The ancient Greeks even invented a word for it “filoxenia.” – meaning lavish displays of warmth, affection, generosity and friendship towards strangers. The pursuit of “kamaki” also conveniently frees the sexually liberated Greek women to secretly pursue their own liaisons. The younger Greek females then take on considerably older and wealthier married or divorced lovers well into their sixties and seventies. This practice is called “Faca d’Oro”, meaning fucking in exchange for gifts, preferably gold jewellery and solid gold diamond encrusted Rolex wrist-watches, but furs, cash, government bonds, German convertibles and apartments are also acceptable currency.

One summer in Greece I was mesmerised by the terrifying sight of a Greek gigolo at work. I first spotted him on a bus in Corfu. He was fairly tall by Greek standards and in excellent shape for a man in his mid-forties. He sported a deep tan and an athletic build from years of chasing goats in his village. He wore extremely tight white towelling shorts that were cut high up on his muscular thighs like John McEnroe’s tennis shorts. Never trust a man who wears white socks and his shorts too tight.The side-on bulge in his shorts outlined clearly the tool of his trade even though he was only in a state of semi-arousal. He wore a red shirt with tight short sleeves that was completely open at the front and that prominently displayed a thick gold chain resting on his dark chest. He wore several gold rings on his fingers, a gold chain on his right wrist and a cheap Japanese gold watch strapped onto his left wrist. He wore white canvas espadrilles on his feet. He had jet black hair slicked back with brilliantine, a trimmed village moustache and several gold fillings in his mouth. I dubbed him the man with the golden cock. His victim was setting next to him on the back seat of the bus. She was a blonde German Frau with short hair and sagging breasts in her mid-fifties who was clearly having the time of her life. She was a robust woman with a hefty farm-house sensibility about her. She was clearly not some shy retiring shrinking violet. She had come to Griechenland with one purpose in mind, to be dealt with in firm and assured manner, to be manhandled, grabbed, squeezed and prodded with much heaving and groaning and grunting. And our ageing Lothario was going to do just that, oblige and accommodate her every carnal whim and desire; everything except for accepting the presence of a rampant rabbit vibrator skulking somewhere in the draw beneath the bedside table. That would be the ultimate insult for a man in his profession. He hugged her, his roving hands caressing every gentle fold and bulge on her body and kissed her with much simulated and exaggerated relish on the mouth and on her neck in what amounted to the most visibly vulgar and insincere public display of affection that I have ever witnessed. He was being true to the instructions contained in the Greek Gigolo’s Seduction Manual. He stuck his tongue into her ear and snorted, slurped and licked and twisted it in and about while she squirmed with delight in her seat and leaned her considerable frame deeper into his. He smiled at her like a crazed hyena and spoke to her in stilted German phrases that he picked up in some phrase book. “Mein liebling, mein schatz” was all he kept saying to her. The “vielen dank” and “aufwiedersehen” would come later, much later after the matter of his remuneration had been suitably settled in his favour.

I soon erased them from my mind but two weeks later back in Athens I was sitting outside in the courtyard of my favourite taverna in Athens. “O Platanos” is named after the magnificent plane tree that provides some shade and occupies pride of place in the cobbled courtyard outside the taverna. The taverna has been in the capable hands of the same family for over a hundred years. It is situated in an old beautifully restored double storey neo-classical house in the Plaka in the gentle foot-hills and paved alley-ways beneath the Acropolis. The taverna is famous for its retsina (young resinated white wine) and its basic, unpretentious and honest home-style Greek cooking which essentially involves cooking everything from meat, to fish, to potatoes and aubergines in olive oil in large trays in the oven. Add thick round loaves of crusty country-style bread, slabs of feta, olives, red onions, cucumbers and tomatoes and you have a meal fit for a king. The retsina is kept in the basement cellar beneath the house in large pine barrels and is served ice-cold in half litre copper jugs. I glanced at a table next to mine and there he was; the same offensive character I had seen on the bus in Corfu with the same Frau, only now her cheeks looked considerably redder. The Greek sun, sea, food and sex-soaked lifestyle had improved her circulation and this was infinitely better than biting into bockwurst back in Bremen. I stared at the Greek gigolo with morbid fascination, unable to avert my gaze from someone so repulsive and who oozed so much sleaze, but it was for a moment too long. He glared at me with fierce flashing eyes, a look of pure malice twisted onto his face, as if to say: “fuck off and mind your own business vre malaka! Can’t you see I’m working here?” I no longer felt like eating.

Another factor that explains the high rate of sexual frequency or activity in Greece according to Professor Poutsomegalokefalos is the healthy Mediterranean diet. Olive oil, olives, fish, vegetables, kilograms of creamy feta, beans, legumes, fruit, gallons of red wine and an endless supply of cigarettes keep the arteries clear, the heart healthy and make the body a willing instrument for amorous pursuits. When the Greeks are not sleeping with each other or with complete strangers from foreign shores, the other national pastime is eating and talking about food. Not to be underestimated are the health benefits of eating Greek yoghurt. Home-made Greek yoghurt with its enzymes, nutrients and active probiotic cultures that stimulate the immune system, is known for its aphrodisiac qualities and is often referred to as “white energy.” Greek and Bulgarian peasants have sex well into their eighties because they include yoghurt in their daily diet. The logical inference that can therefore be drawn from this is that compared to other nations the Greeks have longer sex lives. A little known historical fact is that many years ago the Bulgarians stole the yoghurt recipe from the Greeks to improve their sexual performance and in retaliation for the Greeks sleeping with their women. Add to the classic Mediterranean diet, daily afternoon naps (followed by sex, a cigarette and a small Greek coffee to wake up), a close knit support network of family and friends and the result is happier people, lower stress levels and more sex. So it becomes a virtuous cycle of eating, socialising, smoking, napping and sex. Essential to the success of this regime is a low tolerance level for work. Work is in fact seriously detrimental to this happy and healthy lifestyle. Work is seen as a foreign Protestant inspired abomination. The great Indian writer V.S. Naipaul agreed with this sentiment when he wrote: “Employment is the ultimate humiliation.” The pursuit of idleness is essential.

A young journalist named Vassili writing for a left-wing daily questioned the accuracy of the survey’s findings. He said that research had shown that both young and old alike tend to overstate their sexual achievements. He added that the Greeks like the Italians were especially prone to exaggeration and known and for their dubious and inaccurate accounting methods. The European Union he continued had first hand experience with the accounting practices of Greeks, which were so creative that they bordered on fiction. The methodology used was seriously suspect. Everyone knew that the Greeks invented anal sex and were the world leaders in this field. The Greeks he concluded had simply counted anal sex and vaginal sex as two separate sexual encounters and this explained their inflated figures. These comments caused an immediate uproar and howls of protest from several journalists writing for right wing pro-government newspapers.

The professor held up his hands to silence the room and with a patronising reptilian smile glared at the young reporter. Addressing him directly he said: “Young man, you are a disgrace to your forefathers, to your country and to your profession! The allegations you make are spurious and defamatory to the nation as a whole. Greeks are honourable people with a proud history and they never lie about important matters like sex. The years you have spent in exile in the Soviet Union with your parents have clearly contaminated your thinking. There is no room in modern Greece for outdated communist inspired dialectics. Your thinking belongs in an ideological museum. Greece has given you a home and more importantly it has given you freedom. The freedom to express yourself without fear of persecution. Something which you would never have known in the former Soviet Union.”

Government spokesperson John Kopritis displaying a level of maturity unusual in a hardened party apparatchik sought to defuse the volatile atmosphere in the room. He thanked the professor for sharing his findings with the members of the press corp and added that the vigorous debate that the survey had generated was healthy and welcome and that lone dissenting voices were necessary in every democracy and should not be silenced. The official viewpoint of the Greek government however was that the findings of the global survey were essentially accurate. In due course the Greek government would be seeking the endorsement of the WHO-the World Health Organisation, the WSF – the World Sex Federation and would be drafting and sponsoring a special resolution to be adopted by a special sitting of the UN General Assembly. This would make the findings incontestable and beyond reproach. The Secretary General of the UN, Mr Kofi Annan, could not be drawn to comment on these latest Greek initiatives. The US Permanent Mission to the United Nations however in a show of solidarity with their Turkish allies contested the findings of the global survey and stated in a press release that they would be voting against the resolution.

At a White House press conference, President George Bush stated the following: “I have always stood for the sanctity and inviolability of family values. I have always believed that marriage is a sacred institution that lies at the bedrock of the American way of life as we know it. Them Grecians may be the founding fathers of democracy, but that was a long time ago and we thank them for it, but they need to come to Texas and see for themselves how we do things around these parts. In my book Texans are the finest people I have ever known and are the most virile people on earth, by which I mean that they have the most sex within the confines of a stable long-term heterosexual married relationship between a female wife and a male husband.”

In a separate interview Dr. Sotiris Kolobaras, a prominent proctologist in private practice and one of the worlds leading experts on intestinal gas, attached to the prestigious Swiss Medical Institute of Lausanne added his views to the growing chorus of voices. Dr. Kolobaras an amateur archaeologist and classicist in his spare time; conducted a detailed study of the sexual practices and attitudes of the ancient Greeks. Dr. Kolobaras said that the sexual proclivities, habits and large appetites of the modern Greeks could be traced back directly to their ancient forefathers. There was a clear connection and continuity of certain customs and traditions, he said, that had not been diminished or diluted with the passage of time. Even the Turkish occupation had not managed to extinguish the ardour of the Greeks. There was a popular misconception based in large part on Turkish propaganda that the Ottoman Turks had introduced anal sex to the Greeks when in fact all the historical evidence suggested to the contrary that it was the other way around.

To the ancient Greeks anal sex was a practical form of birth control and a way to keep the hymen and virtue of young Greek virgins intact. In ancient Greek society the concept of “arête” - virtue or “andreia” – beauty and strength in manhood was attached to the idealised naked male form. Anal sex between both single and married Greek warriors was seen as a perfectly normal way for comrades in arms to bond while away on military campaigns. The Greek army was also followed into battle by an impressive caravan or retinue of traders, merchants, charlatans, thieves, gamblers, priests and prostitutes. The Greeks then were happily bisexual. This was a very practical and sensible arrangement. You would go to a party and double your chances of going home with someone. The upper class Greek men at a typical symposium, or drinking party for like-minded friends would gather in the “men’s room” and recline on comfortable day beds large enough for two or three guests to spread out together. The wine flowed and the naked courtesans danced. The men sang merrily: “If a chick won’t do, to a prick we’ll be true.” Another variation was “grab him by the ear, and present his rear.”

Not much has been written about the sexual attitudes, preferences and practices of Greek women, but there is growing evidence to suggest that they were comfortable to enter into lesbian liaisons while their men were away waging war. The Greek men were away for extended periods of time, at first fighting each other and then fighting the Persians. What else were these women to do? The lyric love poetry of Sappho centred as it was around her male-free existence on the island of Lesbos, suggests that a thriving colony of lesbians existed on the island and they didn’t wear sensible shoes. Sappho was herself from an aristocratic family and besides writing beautiful poetry ran a finishing school for well-bred young women on the beautiful pine-covered slopes of the island. She tutored them in the arts and composed their wedding songs. The affection in her sensual and melodic love songs was directed almost exclusively at females. Love between women was not persecuted then as it was in later centuries. The homoerotic content of Sappho’s poetry was not condemned at the time. Rather than drawing censure and criticism her art was honoured by Plato who elevated her status from great lyric poet to one of the muses. Solon, the great Athenian ruler, law-maker and a poet himself, heard one of her songs and asked to be taught the song because he said: “I want to learn it and die.”

Attitudes to sex in ancient Greece were very tolerant and progressive and not shackled within the narrow straitjacket of moral conservatism. One has only to look at the art, poetry, pottery and sculpture of Ancient Greece to get an idea of just how open-minded the Greeks were. A sex scene depicted on an Attic cup from about 480 B.C. shows standing rear entry as the preferred position. Now whether it was for anal or vaginal sex we are not sure. On another Attic wine goblet from around 510 B.C. the late stages of a symposium or banquet are depicted, which has escalated into a full blown orgy with multiple partners, multiple penetrations and oral sex. Other pottery vases show satyrs having an orgy in a vineyard. Although in this instance their actions are homosexual, this does not mean that they were always consistently homosexual. Scholars like Thomas Cahill point out rather, that they were sexually omnivorous and always ready for copulation. There are sculptures showing a satyr tackling a “nymph” with a beautifully shaped bottom who on closer inspection is actually a hermaphrodite. Another sculpture from 200 B.C. shows a phallic dancer while yet another sculpture this time in bronze from the same period shows a masturbating hunchback and a dwarf sporting a massive phallus. The philosopher A.C Grayling makes the point in his book “The Reason of Things” that the modest sized penises on most classical statues were symbols of sexual self-restraint whereas the giant phalluses of the satyrs symbolize an uncontrollable and large sexual appetite. This art rather than being considered offensive or pornographic was viewed as erotica, the telling of the truth or simply put an exploration of what happens in ordinary life.

In ancient Greece sex and religion shared many rituals and lived side by side in peaceful co-existence. It was only when the Graeco Roman world collided with the Judaeo Christian world that the Greek gods started dying and religion gradually became the enemy of sex. As Nietzsche put it: “Christianity gave Eros poison to drink, but he did not die of it, he degenerated into vice.” Or as Mark Twain said: “Nature knows no indecencies; man invents them.” Until then the ancient Greeks, their gods and goddesses lived free of constraints and happily cavorted with each other and with lesser mortals when the mood grabbed them. The recent global survey suggests then that the all encompassing sexual expansiveness of the ancient Greeks 2500 years ago has been passed on down the centuries like a bright flaming torch and is being happily continued by their no-less illustrious descendants, the modern Greeks of today.


Costa Ayiotis
17 November 2005
Pretoria

P.S. If you don’t speak Greek ask a very open-minded Greek friend to translate the meanings of the some of the surnames used in the text for our fictional Greek politicians and eminent Greek academics.